The night I started writing this, I looked up at the moon and for the first time in years I had no idea what sign she was in.
We both loved it.
Seeing each other for just where we are.
Not asking or needing or plotting or planning.
Just a witch glimpsing the moon at the water…one of a million witches and women across time catching the moon’s eye while we tread our feelings in the dark.
I know it is pretty generally assumed that the self care and clarity of a social media break is life affirming and completely revitalising.
Mine has not been.
This Taurus season forced me back to earth, literally shoving my hands to the ground and my knees to the dirt.
Back to my body.
Face to face with this 3D experience everyone is so hell bent on avoiding and jumping over.
-My lovely friends, I think this is where we are dead wrong.
I mean dead in the dead sense. The unnamed arcanum, empress turning the wheel, no going back, you’ll never be the same, sense of dead.
We’re killing our humanity by avoiding the human parts of us. Killing our cellular, muscular, angry, ecstatic, tearful, stubbed toes, broke AF, crushing on someone, hiding from the mirror, answering emails, buying stuff we don’t need, PEOPLE parts of us by chasing ourselves into our ‘ascension.’
I had to step away from the internet a while because my body missed me.
My life missed me.
And I realised that I had not spent a moment missing either of them for…ages…
I’ve spent the past few weeks (and probably a bit before when I wasn’t ready to admit it) being very angry.
Angry at myself for not knowing the way.
Angry at my triggers for still being triggers.
Angry at COVID and my visa for getting in the way of my career.
Angry at the weather for killing my first batch of seeds.
Angry at my bank account for being so small.
Angry at the world for being such a mess.
Angry at my body for not showing up the way I want her to.
Angry at my business for needing social media.
Angry angry angry at all the things…
No matter how many gratitude lists I write or friends I vent to or kitten cuddles I get or pep talks from Mr Seedling- this angry Nicole is just under the surface. Just about to crack through the dirt…
…and I have realised that despite the angry, despite the almost cracking...so many people love her.
I love her.
I love that I am this deeply angry at having to pause. I love that I am such a water sign that I drown in my own feelings on occasion. I love that I am finally allowing myself to feel what the hype of Scorpio is all about.
I chose to be a Scorpio, after all.
I was born six weeks early.
I was supposed to be a boy Sagittarius. A thrusting archer armed with hooves on the ground and a steadily aimed fire to guide me and protect me. But I showed up as a 4 lb 8 oz little human girl Scorpio. Too early and too small- unarmed and with no earth placements to speak of.
I think the faking of that groundedness for the past 33 years is what has finally cracked me open.
I knew 33 was going to be big. I felt the buzz this birthday I think most people get at 30 (to be fair, I did get a deportation letter for my 30th birthday, so that might have something to do with it).
Numerology-wise 33 reduces to 6...the Lovers card in tarot, which is associated with Gemini. You would think an astrologer/tarot gal would have clocked this earlier, but everything in divine time I suppose...and this liminal space I am in between the parts of me, my past and future selves, is going to be all the journey for the next little while.
My practice is rooted (pun not intended, but very much appreciated) in botanical dehiscence. Dehiscence is the part of a seed that is built/grown/made/born a bit thinner- ready to break- than the rest of the seed in order to let the seedling come through. This is the so called ‘weak spot’ where the part that anchors to the ground and the part that reaches for the sky breaks free.
I think this angry Nicole, this eclipsed and dark yet incredibly full version of me is my dehiscence.
I have been trying to hold this widening crack closed, fighting not just nature herself but my nature for far too long. In 2007/8 there was an installation at the Tate Modern that has followed me around since then... huge crack in the floor of the museum named for a custom that challenges ones belonging in their community.
-I think this is my Shibboleth as well.-
I had a gin fuelled argument with an astronomer not too long ago. He said that based on the science of time and the movement of the planets, life is basically meaningless and in that sense, nothing we do has any meaning or consequence, which makes us all gods.
My response; other than deep sadness for this person who could not (or maybe would not) see the majesty in the cosmos, was that if we are all in fact gods, then my goddess response is that if there is enough “evidence” to prove everything is its own sovereign being, then everything cannot possibly have no meaning…it is in fact, my dear friends, quite the opposite.
This human, 3D-cracking open-perpetually evolving and dying-human self has to be the most sacred, holy, cosmic experience there is…
Gemini season has brought with it a focus on the mind. Mutable air has us thinking about thinking, thinking about how we plan to do the things we think about.
“Heavy lies the head,” although famous and guttural, is in fact not the quote.
King Henry really says, to no one other than himself,
Uneasy lies the head.
Uneasy lies the head for it lies to us. It keeps us trapped in problems of the day, challenges that are not ours but also battles that people around us are either unaware of or too aloof to partake in.
This King of Swords is in his nightgown, letting us into the fevered state of his Gemini space…mutable air…thinking about resting, resting in the overthinking…
…sound familiar, bbs?
Gemini and their season, including these eclipses and retrogrades and changes, despite being tied to the mind with air magic, actually rules the hands.
I think some of us have done far too much thinking.
I think maybe some of us have been hiding in thinking…and fair enough. There is a lot to think about these days.
But we are built to do.
I know it’s eclipse season.
I know it’s Mercury RX.
I know we’re all catering to the algorithm and trying to balance our jobs and families and live bit the seasons etc etc etc.
But falling into the uneasy lies of the head is a trap. We are meant to be using our hands in every season. They should be open and ready to lift and soothe each other, including ourselves, in whatever time, season, darkness, sleepless night or season of abundance…
Gemini is a twin…not a lover.
There is a part of you that you are afraid to touch that has already crossed through this dehesince you were born for. This is where I am at. I need to let go of the empty shell parts and step up alongside the part of me that is ready to sprout up a bit more.
So what is the point of all this?
I guess to say that it seems that getting in touch, literal, physical touch with our hands is I think the key to not only making the most of this Gemini season, but the whole freaking journey.
Letting ourselves drop into the mess that is the 3D is maybe the whole secret.
I’ve been taking time to get to feel out who I am here and now. What I like and don’t like. What and who I enjoy and don’t enjoy. On the instagram, algorithm, trendy level, it doesn’t look very spiritual. I’ve not lit candles in a while. I have no rituals planned. There is dust on my tarot cards gasp). I’m not at peace or very happy.
But I am very human. Very disconnected from the digital. Very steeped in what my skin suit needs, or at least is processing what it thinks it needs, and you know what?
-It’s f*cking sacred, y’all.
This human I was born to be is starting to get loud because I have finally begun to pay attention to her in the present moment. FINALLY have stopped trying to fix and tweak something, finally starting to just allow her to be angry or happy or sad or mad or (insert whatever here).
I know this funk is temporary, but the lesson I’m taking and maybe you would like a small piece of is that the HUMAN is also so incredibly temporary. So take advantage of it.
DO something to make this world a better place while you’re on it. While you have the hands to work it. While you have the heart to process your anger into action.
I’m tired of pretending to keep it all together.
In a glorious big bang of faith, I’m letting it all crack open…and someone incredible is probably going to burst out when the dust does settle.